Evening. B. is in his bed. I am just rethinking the whole day… This Christmas Eve was like my everyday normal.

Christmas Eve traditions in Slovakia differ from those in English speaking countries. Festive dinner is served and presents are opened right after.

In the morning I dressed up. No sweatpants or baggy T-shirt. I put on leggings, comfortable skirt an fitted pullover. B. and M. noticed the difference right away and B. kept commenting on the skirt all day long. He even did not want me to take it off for the noon nap. I put on earrings and brooch hand-made by a friend too. I wanted to feel special.

Today we had festive lunch and after a while we opened our presents so B. has enough time to play before he goes to bed. Afternoon was crazy – he run from one thing to another, then to the third and the first and the fourth. He wanted to play with everything at the same time. Evening seems normal and calm, fortunately.

I feel disappointed and sad. Somehow that legendary magic did not happen. And I keep asking myself – WHY? Why did it feel magical to bake cookies with B.? Why did it feel magical to walk around the neighborhood and adore Christmas lights in and around houses? And why did it feel magical to prepare and pack Christmas presents for close ones? Where did all that magic disappear?

Where is that Christmas magic?

I was preparing for the Christmas magic, expecting lot of family time with games and laughter, tasty food we made, beautiful smells, traditional Christmas songs, clean and tidy household… The only thing missing was snow or sun. It really was magical. Oh, but why am I sad and disappointed?

There are few reasons for this… I have most of this every day. I am on parental leave and M. has a home office due to pandemic arrangements since March, so we are together majority of the time. We cook our food and bake our pies and cakes and cookies. We play and listen to music every day. And we work on cleanliness and tidiness of our home every day (although there is a lot to accomplish). What a lucky me! Everyday Christmas! Yes, now at the end of the day I can see this and I really try to grow peace in my heart by thinking about all those pretty moments we spent.

The second reason is that I have not experienced that shift from busy, hectic, crazy Christmas preparations to calm, peaceful and family Christmas. I intentionally worked on everything day by day and even on enjoying it. Gradual preparations and that joy of it have been my dream and now when I live this dream I do not appreciate it. At least now I am aware of it and rethinking.

Thirdly, current pandemic situation affected family meetings. We do not plan meeting anyone and that makes me sad. After months of being cautious it is hard to skip gatherings that many people look forward to for all year long.

This Christmas is different. This Christmas is dreamy. Also, this Christmas is lonesome. This is my Christmas 2020.